Easter isn’t helping matters. All I can think of is that I have to buy some stupid chocolate eggs and some stupid other crap to make some stupid Easter basket and it’s just so stupid that I could die of depression just thinking about it. If you want to know the truth, I hate holidays, period. Particularly the ones where you have to buy people stuff and wow them. Also, birthdays make me feel crappy, mine and everybody else’s. If I were a drinking person, I think I’d be on a binge about now.
Of course, in my more holy and rational moments, I know that we are supposed to be celebrating things like birth and resurrection and that we shouldn’t ruin it by worrying and rushing around in pursuit of gifts and “things”. The trouble is, though, that my holy and rational moments don’t occur very often, so mostly I am stuck with an awful feeling that I’m a bad mother because I don’t dye eggs with my children and string popcorn and create special memories that they will cherish all their lives. My Norman Rockwell button is broken, apparently. I do well to remember the tooth fairy; in fact, one of Keith’s teeth has been sitting on my bookshelf for weeks because I can’t remember to make this big deal about it and put it under his pillow. And yes, eating that whole package of cookies all by myself actually did make me feel better. Of course I probably still need extensive therapy, but I can at least make it through the evening.
I start to pray and my inner ADHD child surfaces: “God, thank you for Easter and this time of rebirth. And spring, thank you for Spring. It’s so nice to see the sun again on some kind of regular basis. Hmmm, Keith will probably need to start wearing shorts to school since the weather’s warming up. Does he have any without rips in them? Where did I see those khaki ones? Target or Sears? I really need to get him some blue jeans too. I wonder if I’ll have to get Carol to hem them up. Oh. God, thank you for Carol. She’s such an incredible woman. How does she do it with all those children? It reminds me of being in the classroom. I’m so glad I’m not still doing that – the amount of paperwork was unbelievable. All those little people in one room all day every day, and me having to document every move. It was so exhausting. I’d be a REAL mess right now if I thought I had to teach tomorrow. I don’t have that kind of energy anymore…Oh yeah, what was I doing? Praying. That’s right. Let’s see. God…” etc., etc. It’s like Brother Lawrence meets The Catcher in the Rye. My mind is just everywhere. Really, this has just got to stop. If you have any suggestions, please contact me at 1-800-CON-CENTRATE.
The Easter service was good today, although, once again, my mind flitted here and there like a hummingbird on speed. It did occur to me that there were some changes I could undertake relative to certain people in my life, but first I need to actually get still enough to hear what God might be saying to me. About ANYthing.