Like Thomas in the Bible, I need tangible proof in my life once in a while that good things are not just coincidences. God probably just smiles, rolls his eyes, and says: “There she goes again.” One thing I know – he does not condemn me for needing that. Once I am his child, he’s going to stick it out to the end. And I would not just say that: I’m not related to anybody “important” and I don’t have anyone’s reputation to uphold.
I need the trust and security that he really does care, that he loves and accepts the fighter just as much as the one who finds it easier to trust, that he sees us no differently, that he loved Thomas as much as Peter and John.
Just because I’ve come to terms with some things doesn’t mean that’s the end of all my battling, I’m sure. If I lost a child tomorrow I would scream and rage and fight until I couldn’t fight anymore. I don’t know how it would all turn out. I don’t know where I would land, and I’m not going to speculate, because when I do then I always have to eat my words. I may not ever be a person who can accept circumstances in life graciously. I may never be someone about whom people say, “She has such a lovely spirit.” But you know what? It’s ok. He likes me, he understands. That’s all I need to know right now. All I know is what he has taught me.